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Urlaub 5


Created 07/07/2000

Q: What about Hamburg?
A: Wonderful city. Rotten to the core.

You go out at night in Hamburg and you can hardly move for all the hookers hanging onto your arm. It's great though, they're all directly across the road from the police station, so there's no pimps to be seen, and no danger of violence. Hamburg is the only place in Germany you run a roughly equal risk of stepping in human shit and dog shit. And when I say human shit, I don't mean the human filth that rattles cups as you walk past. Although it can be difficult to tell the difference, I mean actual, runny brown puddles that reek of things no dog would be foolish enough to eat.

Hamburg is a fantastic city.

Q: Made any friends?
A: Lots.

As usual, the Irish pubs are the best places to meet people. Every time I go into one, I stagger out hours later with a pocket full of business cards and phone numbers. Hellos to:
  • Michael, the Irish foreman who is discovering his true vocation as a publicist
  • Lars, Lars and Lars who gave me the vocabulary to be crude about breasts in German.
  • Bodo, who patiently taught me the intricacies of table soccer
  • Darren, who sat and talked with me about Greek mythology in Murphy's until the early morning.
  • Stephanie, the American archaelogy student I met in the laundromat (she had to get her boyfriend to get rid of me)
  • All the hookers
And a special hello to Auife and Christoph, who's lovely German bar has tolerated my presence like shit tolerates a fly.
Q: Any wierdos?
A: Lots.

The woman in the hotel who kept frowning at my breakfast. What was wrong with my breakfast? Why all the frowning? I watched her to find something to frown back about. I decided I didn't like her cleavage much. No 50YO woman should wear a push-up bra to breakfast; so I frowned at her cleavage. I don't think it had the desired effect.

The 'Spanish' bum (he sounded Italian to me), who pinched my cigarettes. He had me standing up in Christoph's bar shouting "Meine Cigaretten! Meine Cigaretten!" until Christoph took them back off him and kicked him out.

And of course, all the hookers.

Q: You keep mentioning the hookers.
A: Do I?

Q: Yes. Did you visit one?
A: There's some really pretty girls working those streets, and they can be very persuasive.

Q: You're avoiding the question.
A: Fuck off.

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